Well. Hi, everybody!

Did you forget I had a blog? I forget I have a blog sometimes. Weeks and months and years pass by, and then one day, out of the blue, I think: “Oh, yeah. I really should post something.”

Thus, here I am. Posting something.

If you remember how my blog looked the last time I posted, back in, uh… 2019, you’ve probably noticed things are a little different. That’s because I moved to a new hosting platform! Why? Because WordPress doesn’t let you use plugins anymore without upgrading to their “business plan.” I didn’t want to pay extra money for a minor convenience for my personal blog so I could install one very specific plugin to do one very specific thing.

The plugin I wanted would’ve allowed me to separate my posts onto different pages: the “main” page, and an “archive” page where I could stick all my old posts I don’t necessarily stand by. But Squarespace lets me do that without having to upgrade my account! So. Thank you, Squarespace! And a hearty “screw you” to both WordPress and capitalism.

There’s a lot I’ve said in my older posts, dating from 2019 back, that again I no longer agree with. While I could have just deleted everything and started this blog over new, I’m trying to work on being more transparent. And part of transparency is being honest about where I’ve been as well as where I am. I may disagree with the worldview of my past self, but I still want to hold space for her: to acknowledge that she is who I once was, and the fact I’m embarrassed by her is proof that I’ve grown.

I’ll elaborate more on my changing beliefs in the future. Maybe. We’ll see. For now I’ll simply say that I’ve been doing a lot of deconstructing, and—side note—it’s been weird seeing that term start to enter the awareness of mainstream Evangelicalism. Now you have big-name pastors warning about “the dangers of deconstruction!!” and books coming out with titles like How to Deconstruct in a Gospel-Centering Way. (Which is not an actual book. I just made up that name. But you get the idea.)

Change is inevitable, and I—of all people—never thought I would change to the extent that I am. My past self was confident in her beliefs. She’d be horrified to know I don’t take much of the Bible at face value anymore, and also that I’m openly gay. Skimming through some of my older posts is a little heartbreaking, honestly. There was a lot going on between the lines; I was miserable in ways I didn’t care to admit. The term “sweet summer child” has never been more apt.

Anyway. I know there are also a few of those cringe-worthy old posts that certain friends of mine love. And I’m not sure how fair it would be to vanish those posts from existence. It isn’t all bad, and there’s some nostalgia and sentimentality mixed in with my self-critical feelings. Like—I still love Undertale, despite the terrible state of its fandom. This will always slap.

Part of the reason I avoided posting anything for so long was because my mind was changing. Would it make me a hypocrite if I started posting things at odds with opinions I’ve shared in the past? Should we, as people, just living and maneuvering through the world, be expected to stay the same? Does it invalidate either my prior or current beliefs if I’ve shifted, begun the process of unraveling, learned to accept and entertain concepts that before I would’ve dismissed?

I don’t think so. At least, I hope not.

I grew up believing rigidity was something to be admired: that an “unwavering” faith, an inflexible set of beliefs, was a virtue. But now I’m not so sure. Change, again, is unavoidable, and doubt is not a sin. Re-evaluation isn’t a sin. Coming to different conclusions after you learn new information does not mean there’s anything wrong with you.

As long as it’s in a healthy direction, change can be a sign of growth. And in my case, I sincerely hope that it is.